dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
