Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
