Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
