Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Randomize
