Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Randomize
