i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
