Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
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