I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
