What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize