Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Randomize