Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I have tasted many bathrooms
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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