And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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