And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
