my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
