Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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