proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
