You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
