I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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