I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
