you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
the day after is always just damage control
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
