Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
