chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Floor bacon is actually really good
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Randomize
