im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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