my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Randomize
