ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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