I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I think my moral compass just broke
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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