I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
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