you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
