Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
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