So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Randomize