dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
