OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Randomize
