my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Randomize
