Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Randomize
