Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
