at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
