I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Randomize
