so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
