So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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