i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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