you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
