So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
