So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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