i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
