Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Randomize
