I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
