If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Randomize
