I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
