The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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