I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
