i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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