My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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