I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
