For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
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