So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
