You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
