I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
