Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
