i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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