I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
