I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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