Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
